Reminder

Win or don't come home.

I will start paying more attention to you when you start becoming more interesting to watch.

... remember, there is no botox for the penis.

... if you continue to neglect your children I will call child protective services.

Your spanx are showing.

Remember if there are no witnesses it's just a "he said versus she said" thing.

When you have no talent or unique ability, sometimes it's just better to blend in.

Sometimes being "the life of the party" is really just another way of saying "I am in crippling emotional pain".

When white people get in formation it's time to leave.

With great hair comes great responsibility.

I don't care what Facebook says. I take the definition of "friend" literally.

Your body may be beautiful, but your body odor is not.

The son of God is watching over you always. Even when you're masturbating.

Please remember to leave a little something to the imagination.

Three cups of Ranch Dressing does not a "healthy alternative" make.

It was a loan, not a gift.

I will never love you back.

Stop making pirate jokes. It's so 2005.

Remember what happened the last time you tried to break up with me.

I am a man of few words. Get the fuck away from me.

Look, it's not that hard! If you want to play a dvd, just press the dvd button.

What happens in the barn does not concern your parents, your teacher or the police.

There's no such thing as "man's best friend with benefits".

21 is my favorite game, but 16 is my favorite age.

Remember, you're never too old to pleasure youself with degrading internet fetish pornography.

You need to recognize the terms of the restraining order for its duration.

Remember, a man doesn't like a woman who is too competitive.