Congratulations

Congratulations on your baby's low birth weight!

Congratulations on making your final bankruptcy payment!

Congratulations on the birth of your child! We'll need a capable workforce to pay down our crushing national deficit.

I'm glad to hear you're sober now, but you were a lot more interesting as a drunk.

Congratulations on 10 years of marriage. Inertia is fucking amazing, isn't it?

Congratulations on dumping the responsibility of caring for your aging parents upon low paid surrogates.

I'm sure the bank will appreciate the matching stainless-steel appliances.

Congratulations on clearing your browser history before the surprise inspection.

Congratulations on nailing your dental hygenist.

Congratulations on your first sexual encounter ...

Congratulations on passing your criminal background check.

Remember all those times you wished we weren't your parents?

Congratulations on your breakthrough in therapy!

Congratulations on purchasing a foreclosed home!

Congratulations on becoming a step-parent!

Congratulations! You're totally ripped!

Congratulations on your favorite local sports collective's achievement.

Congratulations on coming out.